Saturday, July 19, 2008
Yesterday was my last day working at Si Ling Secondary. The department prepared a surprise for Thevy and I after lessons. A novel lunch. I arrived somewhat sheepishly at the mini hall. I had a blast, and I felt genuinely flattered because my HOD made some interesting comments about my work so far. The day ended happily with a good bye kiss from a colleague..
Upon receiving the letter of posting many months ago, I nitpicked excessively towards the school. When I first reported in the March holidays, the run-down facade of the school made me wondered how long have this school been in this estate. The serenity did not reflect what I was going to experience in the next 4 months.There it was, I mumbled, mustering all the excitement I could find.
To begin my life as a teacher was fun, although I fumbled with lessons initially. They are like a lullaby, making students slumped in their seats but when I finally got the thrill of it, I like to think it was a fleeting moment of satisfaction for myself. I heaved a sigh of relief. It had finally hit me that for a new teacher to assume she couldn't do it for a start was self-defeating.
However, I'm different in terms of trying to grapple with the big questions, the ultimate questions, the ones that won't go away. Be aware of these, lest they cost me a good feedback from the HOD. The first time I blew up, I found my mantra:"When I talk, you don't talk." I could still remember the times when the teachers there shared their aphorism,"If you can handle the students here, you can handle students in any school." It's really a struggle teaching there where many of the students have discipline problems. I had students who snarled and challenged my authority, an oblique threat. Of course, there were students who bolted upright when I scolded them but most of the time, they wouldn't care more. The first time I scolded, the crowd gasped, but that's it. More often than not, they always drowned me out. Sometimes when I tried to shout, I heard only a soft grunt. It felt as if I had a pit in my throat. I had to face different classes using different approaches. When I started to lose control over my Sec 3 class, I often clomped to the classroom, my breath running out by the time I reached level 4. I really defer to some of the teachers' superior knowledge of disciplining. We were not of the same wavelength. Of course I know the evolutionary drill: To produce students with good character, miracles need to be made, and there are students with special needs, genetically designed to be attention deficient (ie subconsciously-- they can't help it), to be taken care of, etc. There were many times when I had to 'sayang' students after I screamed at them in order not to cause indignation after that. 'Sayang' is a demeaning by-product of scolding in this school. This didn't sit well with either my dignity or my intellect. It was so ironic. However, these students may have poor family background. Many have estranged parents so they lack appropriate guidance in their lives. Can you imagine students standing on the ledge? Crazy. I felt myself in a miniseries of GTO.
I had spent my June holidays miserably when my relationship was on the rocks. Normally buoyant, I returned to work in Term 3 with a drawn look on my face. I recalled a couple of times when I fell sick from depression. My voice was raspy, which usually meant I needed to stop for a while. I worked in short bursts, always trying to keep myself occupied with work. However, my life almost gave way under pressure. There were many nights when my eyes got small, and then I cried, my face contorting like a baby who has not figured out how my tear ducts work.
The whole tenor is different now. After 4 months in Si Ling Secondary, the revelation of my passion for teaching kept me going. Now that I'm going to NIE, I hope the whole premise of meeting new people while enjoying studying is heaps of fun.
Posted by Buzz and Mulan at 9:50 PM