Wednesday, April 29, 2009

In my dreams, we saw each other in a place that had unexpectedly brought us together. Sounds dramatic but dreams are meant to be like that.

Surprisingly, I was concerned that he actually was not over me yet. That feeling was back, the feeling of love. The hatred I have for him in real life seemed to have disappeared at that instant. It's been a long time since I woke up, thinking about the dream I had a second ago.

Was that a reflection of my subconscious state? I realised the sadness in me is still around, deliberately hidden in a corner of my heart, never wanted to be found.

I know, I will never be happy again. Happiness has many different facets. Happy, cheerful, contented, delighted, ecstatic, elated, glad, joyful, joyous, jubilant, perky, pleased, thrilled. That superlative, was long over.

Depressed, discouraged, dissatisfied, miserable, painful, sad, sorrowful, unhappy.

I'm trying to read my emotions like an open book every day, but in vain. A few days ago, I was looking at my blog entries for the past 2 years. No courage to read at all. It's really hard to forgive him, when I had foolishly made my life revolved around him, like an idiot. I deleted all entries with his name in them, determinedly.

Busy as usual, I found myself drowned in the world of an educator. The dream I had last night sank in during the quiet moments I had by myself.

Are you reading this? How I wish one day you would come back and ask for my forgiveness. That would give me a chance to really cry my heart out. To be unhappy and yet unable to express myself truthfully was heartbreaking.